Friday, 23 December 2011

Emo trees just need to be understood, the Woodland Trust want you to nuke Bambi, and other crap that wasn't supposed to be here.

I witnessed an incredible display of bullying today. As I was looking at the reduced section of Wilkinsons today, I saw a lone, black Christmas tree in a tattered box. Whilst behind me, another tree taunted "I'm the happiest Christmas tree" at the top of its...branches. The poor goth tree just lay there and accepted the abuse. It obviously hadn't read my rant about everyone deserving respect last night. In case any abused trees are reading now, trees deserve respect too.

The shop, which sells possessed Santas that sing with several voices at once, (and what's worse, they sing this stalkerish song about walking 1000 miles to turn up on your doorstep. I've never even told him where I live. As if Santa wasn't scary enough watching you when you're getting up to naughty things. I'm generally naked for that stuff.) also had red trees complete with red plastic legs and black tinsel for the festive emo. I believe this counts as tree abuse. Many speak of the cruelty of dressing their children and pets up in ways that could get them bullied, but children and pets (mostly) all have movable limbs and the ability to bite, and therefore the ability to defend themselves. Not all Christmas trees have inherited the Ent's ability to move and speak. And from what I witnessed today, those that have have not only evolved to be able to speak faster (potentially because their plastic offspring live much shorter lives and therefore do not have as much time to say things that are worth saying. We humans are such selfish beings that we're all aware of the benefits of technology in lengthening and enhancing our lifespans, but no one speaks of the damage we've done to trees, with some only seeing one Christmas before being chewed to death by a pet or child drunk on power.) but have also begun to use this ability to humiliate those of their kin who have 'gone tree'. Or perhaps they just evolved from Ents who had already gone tree. Where do trees come from? Do Ents that go tree produce trees or Ents through their seeds? Can Ents only come from Ents that haven't gone tree yet? Do Ents sometimes produce trees like witches and wizards produce squibs? Have any Ents ever caught fire when procreating? Is that how forest fires start? Are Australian and certain American forests hornier than forests in other countries or are they into some sort of deviant Ent sex in those areas that are more risky than traditional Ent sex?

Returning from my thought-train's detour - I don't know how it keeps managing to go off places where there aren't any tracks. National rail could probably learn a lot from my head. But considering my timekeeping abilities it would make trains even less reliable than they already are. And, let's face it, even though my thought-train's capable of going all over the bloody place without any tracks, it never goes where I want it to and never takes the most direct route. Brilliant for problem-solving and producing essays with unique points, the worst thing in the world for turning up where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, and looking normal in the process.

Returning from my thought-train's detour on my thought-train: If you think dressing a dog/cat/small person up like a twonk is cruelty, just think about your poor Christmas tree. It has no voice to tell you what the other trees will be wearing, or to defend itself when the Ent's love children are mean to it. Look after your tree. Don't be selfish. Santa's watching how you treat the less fortunate who can't look after themselves. If you're around them whilst naked. I don't think he cares what you do when you're dressed to be honest. He comes across as a bit of a pervert. There's a bit of family lore that says that when I was a toddler, I took my inflatable Santa, who was slightly less inflated than he should be, over to my father, and, in front of my grandparents, aunts and uncles, demanded my father give him a blow job. I bet he liked that the sick nonce.

Do you know what? I have no idea where I was going with this whole abused Christmas trees with low self-confidence that have taken to dressing in black and cutting themselves thing now. So I'm going to give up on that and move on to my disgust at the Woodland Trust, who are encouraging people to nuke small woodland creatures. And cute little deer. Or a very deformed squirrel. I wasn't sure to be honest.

Back in the day, serial killers started out by burning ants and torturing puppies. These days, kids who would have otherwise turned out to be completely normal, are being set on the path to animal cruelty, serial killing, and eventually the torture of poor plastic Ents, by being bought microwaveable owls and other woodland creatures by sadistic adults who have gotten stuck in the cycle of abuse themselves. And this is all being endorsed by the Woodland Trust who have their own range of ready-abused animals for you to nuke at home. And now I'm wondering if modern Ents became so cruel because of the years of festive abuse, followed by months of neglect, that they experienced in their childhoods. An Ent is for life, people, not just for Christmas. And somehow my thought-train has managed to make the Woodland Trust's sick plan relevant to the subject of Goth trees.

And now the WT's plan makes sense. More serial killers = more people visiting forests to dump bodies = more search parties looking for said bodies = no need to advertise to tourists any more. I wonder if serial killers and search parties are more respectful of forests and careful with their litter than tourists. Serial killers obviously would be as they don't want to leave any evidence, so they'd be the most considerate visitors at all. If there were enough serial killers around then half of all search parties would probably be made up of serial killers trying to keep everyone away from their own dump sites. And could you imagine if they got caught because of evidence left behind when they were volunteering as part of a search party? They would of course use their fantastic skills at hiding any signs that they'd been in the forest in their everyday lives. Just in case they accidentally killed someone when they weren't intending to. So the Woodland Trust gets increased visitor numbers to prove their significance in modern society, and probably bring in more income from the gift shops, cafes and car parks, and doesn't have to do any extra clean up or conservation work when these visitors leave. And if there are less people around because they've all been buried under their forests, then there'll be less competition for space so they won't have to worry about trees needing to be cut down. Actually, that was probably the most important bit. Human population control, with a few woodland creatures as collateral damage. They're a sneaky bunch of gits at the Woodland Trust.

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